I Wanted to Feel Brave

There is a first time for everything.

My bee suit was white.

I remember the day being beautiful. Sunny. Not too hot.

I wish I could tell you I walked up to that hive feeling confident.

I didn’t.

I did my homework, I bought the best suit I could find.

I had already tried the suit on. I knew it fit. I knew how to zip it up.

None of that mattered.

I was convinced there was no way that thin white suit was actually going to protect me.

I was scared. 

Really scared.

And the elastic on my gloves was to tight. 

But I also wanted to do it. I knew I could do it. If René could do it, I could too.

At first, I mostly watched while he inspected the hives.

Back then, we thought our bees were aggressive.

Looking back, I don’t think they were.

The truth is, we were still learning.

We weren’t handling them with enough care.

We were frightening them.

And in return, they frightened me.

But everything changed the first time I opened a hive by myself.

I remember standing there with my hands on the lid.

I could feel the warmth radiating from inside the hive before I even opened it.

Then came the smell.

I still don’t know how to describe it.

It’s like fresh rain.

Or opening an old cedar chest.

Or the smell of a newborn baby.

Not because those things smell alike but because they’re the kinds of smells you never forget.

It’s sweet.

Honey and beeswax.

Warm.

Almost… comforting.

It’s a smell you can’t recreate anywhere else.

As I opened the hive, I realized something unexpected.

I wasn’t scared anymore.

I was becoming calmer.

I was becoming calm. 

It felt like I took a step down into myself.

The more gently I moved, the calmer the bees became.

And the calmer they became, the calmer I became.

It felt as though we were learning to trust each other at the same time.

That was the moment everything changed.

I didn’t just learn how to open a hive.

I discovered a different way of being with the bees.

And maybe, a different way of being with myself.

Thank you for spending a little time in the hive today.

Until next time,

~ Tracy 🐝